The Best of Times

Why is it when we refer to the past it is often as ‘the best of times?’
I found myself in the middle of a conversation with an old friend, nodding my head in agreement as she talked about the "old days" as ‘the best of times.’ Yet even as I was sitting there nodding, I remember thinking to myself, no they weren’t all ‘the best of times,’ not even then.
However, I think I know what she was referring to. It was how we felt back then. I remember that I had a different sense of myself. I was confident, sure of my skills and of where I stood in the scheme of the world. I was at the top of my game and so was everyone around me. We knew who we were and where we were going.
Then along came life, and time passed, things changed and so did we.
Lately I’ve lost that sense of feeling like an expert. I’m feeling less and less sure of what I know. Changing jobs has caused a ripple in my self confidence that I have yet to recover from. I am using different skill sets now and I am relatively new at them so I do not have that sense of comfort that comes with expertise.
Perhaps that is what she means when she made that statement, as she too has moved positions and dealt with changes, learning new and different skills.
There is a longing in me for that once strong sense of belonging I felt. Yet to be honest when I was there living that life it wasn’t as if we were all best friends and the world was great. Yet I felt like I was where I was supposed to be, all was right in my world. At times I would give anything to have that feeling back.
Sometimes, in my new reality, I feel like a stranger to myself. I’m not as sure of my skills. I don’t know what I want or where I might end up. In my younger years those questions never crossed my mind. I felt I would be an emergency room nurse forever. The future was too distant to worry about.
Now I’m living that future and although I have lost my sense of mastery there is a sensation, an excitement about things being uncertain. It means I can write my own story. I can create a different life for myself. It may include some nursing, it may not. Mostly it will continue to include personal growth, a life of learning based on the wisdom of many who have traveled this path before. It will be the best of times — for now.

LB

TFTT #96 © Linda Bridge