"Expectation that is not followed by action is not expectation....

it’s just hoping and hoping has never achieved very much"

Mike Dooley

Have you ever been out with a group of friends when one of them sideswipes you with a statement like — "I hate your emergency department."

Of course I respond with "it’s not my department — what happened?"

Out of them comes an account of one of the most horrific days of their lives made even worse by the way they were treated by the staff and the system.

I hear this tale of woe from lots of friends, relatives, acquaintances who know that I work in the system.

It all comes down to this — unmet expectations

The events described to me can be from life threatening hemorrhages to minor lacerations. The common theme is that the people were not treated in the way that they were expecting they should be. This sets everyone (them, the nurse and the system) up for less than a satisfactory experience.

Am I any different? No! I too have had expectations of my colleagues and the system, and I also have suffered the frustration, hurt and anger set in motion when I did not get treated in a manner that I believed was fitting.

At least that was the way I used to react.

With lots of personal soul searching, reading and learning over the last few years I’ve come to some conclusions about my behaviors. I have realized that if I don’t like what result I am getting I need to change either my approach or my expectations.

This process can be broken down into steps — being aware of my feelings, looking at the expectation from a different perspective (re-framing), and reevaluating or managing my expectations.

Working on this approach is one of my biggest challenges in life. My goal is to express my needs or expectations with little or more controlled emotion. I used to wait until I was angry and frustrated then I used this negative energy to give me the courage to speak out and say what I needed or expected from people. The trouble was my words were so clouded with all that emotional energy it would set the other person off and no needs would be met.

It is not just about expressing those needs. It is about doing so in a way that will give me a more positive result. Now when I find myself angry and upset, before I act on those feelings, I ask myself what’s going on? What and why am I feeling this way? What am I expecting from them? Am I scared and therefore put out an expectation that is not possible for anyone to meet? Is there another angle to look at in this situation?

It’s not that I don’t have expectations — I do. It’s that now I understand what happens to me when I don’t manage them. Whether they are too high or too off the mark, when I end up with unmet expectations, I find myself in a negative spiral of emotions, and I’m left angry and unhappy.

There is no way anyone can read my mind — to know my expectations — my needs, so I have started to share what I need sooner, before I become emotionally charged.

Since I have started using this process (awareness, re-framing and managing) I find myself in a happier state of being. I believe that the key is to avoid unmet expectations and then we can avoid the conflict — inner and outer that comes with them. I know that using this process has helped me feel more in control, and more contented. I now experience fewer unmet expectations.

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LB

TFTT # 91 © Linda Bridge