Timing is everything.

My great-niece had open heart surgery earlier this year. When they were fixing the holes in her heart, they discovered she was had no thymus gland. This led to genetic screening and a diagnosis of Di George’s syndrome. 

When I received the call from my sister the first thing I did was to head to the books to become more informed. No time for tears, no stopping to feel, just find out more. Arm myself with knowledge and put a wall up — it’s what I am good at!

Later that same day I clicked onto an e-mail from a friend and it opened up to a you-tube video dealing with children and compassion. I cried like a baby.

Why is it that I can cry about strangers but I cannot cry about family? Have I built a wall so huge that my feelings can’t get through the normal way? Do they have to sneak in?

The next night I was out with my former workmates and friends at a supper and before I even shared about my great-niece, one of them said to me, "Why is it I can’t cry at the time I am supposed to? What’s wrong with me?"

She went on to share how she got a distress call from her son telling about her grandson having a seizure while on a holiday in Mexico. She became this machine, asking all the nursing questions. Meanwhile her husband was openly upset and crying while she felt detached — no tears, no sadness.

She went on to say that she has no problem crying while watching television or hearing a story about someone else, but she can’t seem to cry about her own situations. Then she went on to echo what I was feeling, "Will I ever be normal?"

Is this inability to feel our emotions at the right time because of where we worked? Was it the conditioning we had to endure so we did not break down on the job?

This is a coping skill I prided myself on — being calm in the midst of chaos.

Do other nurses go through similar issues? Am I normal? Is my friend normal? Will we ever get to the point where our emotions match the events of our lives?

I know that I have been working on recognizing and naming my emotions as they happen. Relearning if you will how to allow them and not stomp them down. This has been a hard thing for me as I don’t like to feel my feelings. I have never liked crying. I’ve believed that it was a weakness and goodness knows I did not want to be seen as weak.

After spending all this time working on my personal and professional growth I realize that I continue to build walls. I stay calm because I do not allow myself to feel, not because of any self mastery. Self mastery would be acknowledging my feelings and taking responsibility for them, and then making the choice to stay calm.

I am not sure how long it will take or how successful I will be but I am working on this self mastery by creating a new habit of feeling my feelings as they come. Over time I hope to feel them, express them in an appropriate and timely manner and then let them go.

Knowing that I am not alone gives some reassurance that I am indeed a normal human being and that this is just one more of those life lessons that I am in need of learning. My hope is to learn this lesson in a timely fashion.

LB

#92 TFTT © Linda Bridge